What's the message, God?

After the ultrasound, they'd told me that the fetus was no bigger than 8 weeks - I was supposed to be 12. It had passed a month earlier - I was amazed that your body can still maintain its pregnant state for that long. Even act as if it were still pregnant, because I was assured my stomach was slowly growing! Being from a medical field, I knew that biologically, that miscarriages occur because something is biologically incompatible with life, but it became important for me to know exactly why. I pushed beyond my husband's opinion for a chromosomal study to be done. There was some part of me that felt that I had done some kind of danger to my body in my year and a half of drug usage that might have caused its fate. Maybe my blood pressure was off, or it affected its heart somehow. Who knows. But I wanted a definite reason. Turned out it was an extra allelle on one of the chromosones. Not my fault. And it was a boy. Which made me smile. We hadn't told our kids yet - not til after an amniocentesis would have been done and I knew we'd carry the fetus full term. I knew Mariah would be jumping in her skin with excitement about a baby, no matter what the sex was. Ian, I think he'd have a hard time connecting to a baby sibling given his age difference (he would have been 12), however a boy might have been easier for him. A little brother he could show the world to...

This was a small part of the sadness that overshadowed me at that time. There were so many little moments that were coming up in our future that I was looking forward to. Telling the kids, how much excitement we'd share in having a newborn in the house, feeling life move within me, the very first moments of birth shared in the hospital room between Jim, myself and the baby, that new baby smell, nursing in a rocker in the middle of the night, his small fist clasped around my little finger, walking hand in hand with that same fist, now a toddler, grasping onto my finger......that list was growing in my sad reflection.

It was such an up and down emotional rollercoaster for the next several weeks. After the D & C, they said to expect cramping later, but I'd not felt much at all. I'd spend days in bed, feeling listless, empty, barren in the finality of it all. Then the sun would shine, or I'd sit in church with our whole family and feel such an UP feeling. That life was good. My family - and I - was strong! After awhile, I could admit to feeling, underneath it all, *relieved* that He took this upon Himself. Not that I believed He killed the fetus, but that He allowed it to happen. Especially at the time that it did. Upon returning home after my visit to parents, that Monday, I was scheduled for the CVS - a procedure in which they take a miniscule part of the fetal sac and study it for abnormalities in the fetus. It can be risky. I can imagine the guilt I'd feel if I'd made it to that appointment, and experienced a miscarriage afterwards. Surely I'd feel I'd caused it. So there was a big underlying feeling of relief that it happened naturally, before I mucked it up in any way.

Then become teary later for feeling that way.

The biggest struggle in having this miscarriage was understanding God's plan - but honestly, isn't that what we all struggle with most of our lives with *anything* that happens? It shouldn't be any great surprise that I kept coming back to that.

That was where I continually got stuck. I felt so *strongly* that this was His plan for me. Honestly and fully letting go, and not being willful in the image I saw in my life was a GARGANTUAN first in my life. I'd never before been able to just let God have His way with me! (ooo, sounds sacreligious!! ) Never Had I been so able to just willingly accept that which I adamantly did not want and just trust in Him knowing He'd take care of me. He'd give me strength to face my fears of tomorrow. And in doing so, it gave me SUCH amazing peace and awareness and serenity! I wasn't sure of the outcome; I was so fearful of how we'd work a baby into our lives....but for the first time in my life, I felt sure in His plan and presence in my life. I knew He'd be there with me giving me strength that I didn't realize I had. And I was pretty much at peace with all of that. That was unfathomable to me, peace with that?!

So, it was such a shock that He'd change the plan on me. What's the message?? If I had gained such peace in accepting the plan, why take it away?!

After much deliberation, writing, sharing in meetings, it occured to me that it was likely never in His plan for me to actually give birth. In my understanding now, once again, I don't think God purposely kills fetuses, just that He knew from the beginning that mine wouldn't make it to birth. But I needed to go through with what I did to help me realize His awesome power. I needed to be able to let go absolutely and just trust in Him to realize that He gives me strength beyond my imagination for my own life. To be able to succumb to that which I'd NEVER be able to accept on my own. With Him, I have strength and power beyond my wildest dreams....to handle WHATEVER....even if it's so far from my OWN plan/vision/desire for my own life.

I had never acknowledged that even though I never gave birth that the learning and progress I - and we, as a couple - was valuable despite. Knowledge and understanding that we could use now -- needed to use now despite not having a newborn join us in a few months. God sent me that pregnancy, the Holy Spirit working within me to KEEP it, trusting in God's plan, so that He could save me and my family in many ways:
1. to quit smoking (which I've never taken back up. I'd not quit before without being pregnant, there was likely not anything foreseeable that would have made me quit so quickly and successfully)
2. to learn to give in to Him completely, trusting that there was a plan beyond my understanding
3. to learn to stand up for my needs despite the possibility of hurting/disappointing others
4. to recognize the need for changes between my husband and I
5. to embrace and DO all I can with EACH stage of my childrens' lives before they take off and leave us. I could recognize their time with us was so short.

I had thought His making me pregnant was sending these messages to me. I never anticipated that I'd still gain the benefit of them without giving birth.

It also gave me new strength to look at refraining from drinking. It was still my biggest struggle. Not actually in giving it up - that part was easy. But seeing it as necessary. And frankly, I just didn't want to do it. I'd not abused it in the past; I wanted to be able to drink as I always had done before the drug addiction took over. I could accept that it was a risky choice to do so, but I admitted to wanting to go back to a place in my life when I could safely do that again. Never drinking again was certainly NOT in the vision for my life. Yet I think this experience through Him was showing me that I have so much more strength to see past my own vision for my life, letting go absolutely. I wasn't sure what this meant for me tomorrow, I didn't know if I would be this accepting and strong in the future, in fact, I knew I wouldn't. But in that moment, I know He was trying to tell me how much strength I had with Him in my life, that He's always there despite my own stubborness to hold onto my own plan, and to remind me of the peace and serenity that could come with just letting go and trusting in Him.

Wow...what a message.