Disgusting and Naked

This is an ugly memory.  Thankfully, we've moved far beyond it.   But it's not for the timid.

I'd come from such a high that weekend with my church ladies.  They'd pumped me up and helped me to face doing what was inevitable.  The other biggest co-dependent relationship in my life was with my husband.  I needed to come clean if I was ever to start anew.  There was little we could do together if he wasn't aware of what we were dealing with.  My doc suggested that we could tell him together - but I knew him.  Knew he was an untrusting soul anyway.  He'd feel ganged up on if I dragged him into a meeting without having a reason for being there in the first place.  I knew he was a reactionary person - quick to react, sometimes scary in that reaction.....but that he'd always came around.  Plus, he'd used cocaine in college too.  We'd used together a few times.  His older sisters were flower children of the 70's - drugs weren't taboo from his own history.  Maybe it wouldn't be such a terrible thing to reveal.

I'd set out a goal to tell him that coming weekend.  And it was strange how the day seemed to be opening itself up to give us the alone time to be able to share this deep, hidden secret.  My kids, Ian and Mariah, were out with friends.  I could see that there were going to be several hours ahead of us that we'd be alone.

My heart was slowing in trepidation...but I was ready.  I knew what I needed to do.  I could do this.

But of course, he had other plans on his mind.  We were alone.  For several hours.

We could have sex.

It'd been a long time.

(sigh)

What to do.  We really hadn't had sex in a while.  Maybe by making love, it'd put him in a better frame of mind to hear what I needed to tell him.  Sex always had a way of making us feel intimate, close and loving for days afterward.  Too, if I told him ahead of time, there's no way he'd ever get to wanting it later.  Maybe it'd be best to satisfy that itch now.

So says the well-trained co-dependent that I was.  Satisfy his needs first.

And so....there we were, satiated and spent.  Holding each other, spooning.   Full of satisfied togetherness.

My heart beating.

Do it.

Say it.

I need to tell you something.

What.

I've been a meth amphetamine addict

for

a year and a half.

Silence.



More silence.



WHAT?!

He sits up to look at me.

He has this pulsing vein between his eyebrows.  This crevice between his eyes.  This look about his face when he's angry with you that makes you feel like you're nothing.  You're absolute scum.

I couldn't have been more naked.

More alone.

More ugly.

I gathered the large, king sized pillows to me, trying to cover my nakedness.

For a fleeting second, I thought, why in the hell did I ever think this would be a good idea?  To tell him when I was at my most vulnerable?  Most...visible.  How could I ever believe that he'd take this even remotely....ok?

You're sick, he said.

I know.  I'm getting help.  I want us to go together.

Me?   Me?!  You're the sick one!  I can't believe you!

Tears flowed down my face as I tried everything to make myself not feel so exposed, so naked.  Gathering the bedsheets, the pillows.

You don't know.  You don't know how ashamed I've felt......please......please don't....

I should think so!  I hope so!  What'd you expect me to think?  What'd you expect?!

You disgust me.  If I could leave, I would.  If we didn't have kids, I'd be outta here.  I could you know.  I could take them and leave.  You wouldn't be left with a penny.  They don't look highly on drug addicts who are mothers.

You're sick.

So sick.

I'd forgotten how untrusting he was of others.  That the one person he most trusted in his life, hiding this lie - any lie - would be a betrayal.....tenfold.

I gathered my clothes in the empty room he'd left and felt sure it was over.

I was a sick, ugly, horribly shameful person.....but there were no more secrets.  It was out.