Low self esteem/low self worth - This was difficult to identify. I thought I'd come leaps and bounds in liking who I was. In fact, I could easily say that I was happy with who I was - the image I put out. However, I would pick and choose which groups I'd share which part with. What if they didn't like me, or were disappointed or disapproved of what they saw? Being a stay-at-home mother, it was hard to gain self-worth from doing the laundry and making dinners. No longer was I a good student, a knowledgable servant to families as a social worker, so esteem/worth fell back on appearance (which was going), being a good housekeeper (I wasn't), a good mom (entirely subjective), good friend (hard to define), good wife (our sex life sucked), and good Christian (I was dragging my feet). So, I was quickly failing with esteem and worth.
Feelings of lonliness - I used to have a hard time staying home alone, needing a devoted friend to share my time. Most moms worked. And I needed someone on a regular basis, not realizing that I was running from my own negative thoughts. If left alone for too long, I began to feel that we really were all alone in the world, that no one can really know what we're going through, that you have to do it all on your own.
Pressure/stress - to live up to other's expectations of me, and especially to live up to the high standards I set for myself (but was unconscious to my doing so).
An inability to ask for help - due to those high expectations on myself or the perceived expectations set upon me. Probably too, because I felt overly responsible for everything around me.
An unwillingness to feel "ugly" emotions like anger/sadness. Anger reminded me of my mom's anger. Sadness was just too painful -- unless it was someone else's. I could feel your pain much easier.
Putting myself last on the priority scale.
Resentment/anger at the people I'd taught to take advantage of me.
Fleet asked that both of us identify what our major issues were in the marriage. My issues centered around unequal responsibilities to the home/family, lack of parenting the children - or undermining my authority with them, and lack of intimacy/compassion/interest shown.
When I was working, it was easier to justify more equal roles in the household. We both worked outside the home, so we both needed to work together to make ends meet at the end of the day. I didn't ask that Jim do housework once 6pm arrived, I truly saw that as my job working during the day. And I was lucky to have help with a housecleaner once a week! I became angry, however, when I felt as if he weren't being a team player, picking up after himself or the kids. Many nights, if I was busy in the evenings outside the house, I'd prepare the dinner (even if I weren't going to be there) and still had to clean up when I came home. Or he'd refuse to stop on the way home to pick up something needed. "I'll come home and watch the kids. You can go get it." Or he'd grumble with being asked to take a turn with taxiing the kids around. "Awwww, I wanted to get a work out in before dinner!" Weekends were encouraged to be spent in fun time so that the scut work was left to me - my job - during the week. He didn't like that he should have to do any work around the house - he'd worked hard for his "off time". I don't know how many times I'd heard from him "I think I'm the only cardio-thoracic surgeon in (our town) that is doing _________!" Though that's a nice pleasant thought, WELCOME to REALITY! No one likes to do chores, but it's a part of life. LIFE is MESSY; you gotta clean up after it and maintain it! And I'm not the only one living in this house! He did the bills and cleaned the pool on a regular basis, complaining about both. It felt very unfair to me. I'd commented, asked, played passive agressive (and left things undone), but it always came back to the same thing.
Discipline with the kids I've shared about quite a bit already. We had different parenting philosophies and he didn't want to make the kids upset in the few hours he had with them. This quite often led to his undermining me by going against what I'd already said. No further explanation needed about my feelings on that!
I took a lot of the blame for the state of our relationship. He claimed to be happy, unaware of any issues. If he had any responsibility, it would have to do with being oblivious to anything other than himself. Many a night I'd spent listening to his woes about work. Of course, I *wanted* to hear his problems - it made me feel a more worthwhile wife! But it was definitely uneven. He didn't ask and I didn't offer. That unwillingness was probably because I felt such guilt over feeling angry/resentful, knowing what a truly wonderful guy he was and was living a lifestyle that anyone else would envy. How could I ask for more? Sure he was self-centered, but he wasn't an ass. He was a loving soul with a good work ethic, who loved nothing more than to spend time with his family. Who was I to complain? My problems seemed so trivial in comparison. I'd end up feeling over-extended, putting
Like I said earlier, he didn't have any complaints. Just asked that I not hide what I was feeling. Be more honest with him. And well.... he was a man.
He wanted more sex.
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