Nightmare Revealed

It was like pulling teeth sometimes to have Jim follow through with couple's therapy sessions. I knew that he'd said that he found it valuable and had really bonded well with Fleet. Yet, it always appeared to be the last thing on his priority list. It was always being bumped. And I'd become frustrated and hurt - as if making it last on the priority list was also saying that I, and our marriage, was. His day was busy, he'd say. It was hard to cut out at the end of the day, leaving things undone at work.

But tonight was important. I needed him to be there. And, knowing what I had growing inside me, I needed him to make a full commitment. We had a LOT of shit to do.

In session that night, I'd asked him if he understood what I'd been asking of him. What I needed. I wanted him to tell me if he thought I was being selfish. (Yes, he thought he understood., for the most part anyway. No, I wasn't being selfish.)

I was curious to know what he felt the working parent's role in a single income family was besides finanicial stability - if any. He'd become defensive on that one. And began to feel that he was being drilled.

I asked him how valuable he thought couples' counselling was for us personally? Is it worth our spending 100-200 bucks a month? (Underneath this was a feeling of guilt that I'd done this to us. I put us here. I was the one that wanted it. I needed to know that he felt it was worth it too). A good way to the get the "right" answer from Jim, though, was to ask it in front of witnesses - witnesses that were highly invested in counselling as well. I was fairly certain I'd get a positive answer from this one....which I did.

So I moved in for commitment. I needed for him to promise me that he'd be willing and capable to put his family first -- me first -- over his job. If he needed to lighten his patient load, or whatever he needed to do in order for him to be there with me regularly.

He agreed, hell or high water, he would do whatever he could to make it on a regular basis.

I told them it was important to me - especially important to me now. Then entered into a long diatribe:

I told them that I'd been resentful for so long with Jim because I didn't feel that he pulled his weight around the home; he didn't play as a team member. Out of selfishness or necessity - it was hard for me to discern- his work and needs always trumped any issue or need of my own. That his life never skipped a beat since having kids.

But in further reflection, I'd told them, I could see that my resentment was mostly for myself. For never having accomplished anything of importance of my own, nor having any sense of accomplishment or success within the household. Resentment was harbored for wanting kids so much for so long, then realizing what a sacrifice I'd made for them. Trying so hard to find happiness in devoting myself to them and my role as a housekeeper, but always devaluing that role. Feeling lost in such a lack of true purpose that I ended up saying yes to everything, mistakenly believing that it WAS my role, believing it was my only outlet for self-worth. I'd realized how my resentment resulted from being so reactive to Jim - making his life easier. Keeping my own desires silent because it was just easier not to have to argue about it.

I was resentful with realizing just how much I'd taught Jim to treat me so that he could be so disrespectful without having a conscious thought about it. For instance, in the past week, my parents were in town for the National Figure Skating championships and we were rushing to head out the door to one of the competitions. Jim was grumbling about doing his monthly chore of going through the bills. Sitting in front of a sports event on TV, his lap was full of mail and the computer, as he tossed all the trash to the floor beneath him, creating a large mound of discards at his feet. I was rushing, my parents at the back door waiting for me, as I searched in the cabinet behind him for our tickets. He proceeded to ask me if I could please pick up the garbage at his feet on my way out.

It wasn't just a couple things.

I didn't make the mess - nor would I dream of asking him to pick up after me.

But rather than start an argument - especially in front of my parents - I bent over, kneeling at his feet and cleared the floor, then bringing over the garbage can to him.

Being aware of how much I cater to him, in that moment I never felt more his slave.

Fleet asked, would you have been angry with her if she'd just said, No?

Jim said he probably would have. It wasn't a job he enjoyed. Thought that I should have been doing it all along, and besides, it was just "a bit" of garbage. But bottom line, I should have spoken up.

Right. I should have. I was also resentful -- no disgusted, actually -- with my inability to stand up for myself. Especially when it's something so important to me. So Important that by my not doing it would affect my whole life.

Not demanding a vasectomy. Or enforcing my own right to decide to have my tubes tied.

And ending up pregnant. The EPITOME of my disgust with myself for bowing to everyone else -- to JIM's expectations of me.

Tears just streaming down my face, their faces blurring in front of me.

You mean....you, you're pregnant.....NOW?! Not sure if that was from Jim or Fleet.

Nodding my head, just letting it all loose now. Sobbing, shoulders shaking.

Jim sat at the other end of the couch in shock. I don't think he moved for the longest time before he slowly moved over on the couch to embrace me.

We said nothing more for the longest time as I tried to gain control of myself.

Finally able to speak again, I said, I'm absolutely..... DISGUSTED..... with myself for being 41 and putting my head in the sand.

Lots of silence. I think Fleet was quite shocked himself. Unsure how to proceed.

He asked if we knew - had any gut feeling - what we were going to do. What we thought about the pregnancy. If there were religious ramifications. I said that I couldn't possibly imagine having a baby right now. Jim just shook his head.

Later that night, as he held me in bed, my body wracked once again in sobs, he told me he was so sorry. Sorry for causing this. That it was all his fault. And there was no reason for me to feel pressured to go through with this pregnancy.

But you were the one that wanted another child.

Not like this, he said. Not like this. I'm so sorry.

And I knew he was. Even though I was much more angry at myself.

Once again, God's sledgehammer came weighing down on my head, opening my eyes even wider to my own co-dependency.

OK God...I got it. (sob)