Lines in the Sand

Another night similar to the first, my other friends none the wiser.  Then despite my line drawn in the sand, that I'd *never* do that kind of thing around home.....it made the trip back with us.  It was not until I was home that I actually looked into what we were using.  I'd honestly thought that "crystal" was just a more potent form of cocaine because it was in rock or "crystal" formation.  I researched it on the internet and realized I'd been snuffing up meth amphetamine.  I'd heard the news stories about meth labs - heck, they were all over the midwest it seemed at that time.  I was horrified.

 There was NO WAY I'd been doing that!  But somehow, the drug helps you to justify it to yourself.  It's not *that* big a deal.  It *feels* a lot like coke, only better cuz it lasts sooo much longer.   It can't be *that* bad.  I was coherent the whole time, no one was able to tell.

So, the amount we bought - typical if we were buying coke - could never have been used on that one weekend.  And that's how I began a year and a half of meth usage, each week stepping over the last line drawn in the sand.

Never during the day.  Only if we went out.
Not while my kids were home.
Not every day.
Never on vacation.

The only line I didn't cross after I started using during the day was never after my husband was home.  And  I never smoked it.

The first, I'm not sure that was any great achievement.  It would have been better to have been slipping off to the bathroom while my husband was home.  At least someone would have been the "responsible" adult.

The second, I think I'm here today writing from such a good place because I never smoked it.  I've heard too many stories of "no man's land" after people smoked it in a pipe.  My "friend" tried to persuade me to try it but I just couldn't go there.  I felt so terrible, so shameful about myself for what I was doing *already* - I couldn't add insult to injury and start using a pipe.

I remember at the beginning feeling that this drug was the best thing since man created the wheel.  I was joyous, I was making lists and getting things done, I felt that I was an ultra-good mom; able to listen, have patience and still have energy to cook, clean up, help with homework, and I could remember infinite details.  I'd ponder them late into the night, remembering exactly what someone said, their facial expression, how I felt in return.  Details.  Little details.  And I was on top of it all.

AND getting thin!  I didn't even think about it until I was 25 lbs lighter.  It was after we started using during the day, and at that point for a short time....everyday.  I'd hired my housekeeper to stain the sunroom, but because I didn't completely trust her ability, nor did I want to pay her fully, AND unconsciously, it gave me the opportunity to use more frequently, I stained it with her.

Again, what FUN.  What awesome discussions.  Great connections, she and I.  We were like sisters separated at birth.  We could have been the same person had I not made better choices and had a better supportive family.  It must have taken close to two weeks....and that was it.  My addiction was set.

I began to worry at that point.  Heavens, what if I'm becoming an addict.  More rules.  More lines in the sand.  Not everyday.  Not ever to get going in the morning.

And for the most part, that worked for awhile.

Then I decided it'd be a good idea to start a painting company with her.  I loved - loved - to strip wallpaper.  Imagine being hyped up, loving the minutest of details....and stripping wallpaper.  Wallpaper that split.  And left small pieces behind.  To me, for those of you that can stomach it, it was like peeling sunburnt skin.  It literally made my mouth water.  I'd get into the zen of peeling....and picking.  So bad that I'd need heating pads for my neck at night!  But it gave me reason to be around my supplier on a regular basis, and it gave me reason to obsess about peeling.

As gross as that probably is to read, I did have one redeeming quality there as well.  I was a genius in doing faux wall painting.  Some of the walls I did really were quite phenomenal.  And of course, I had the energy and patience of Job to do it all day....and get it .....just.....right!

But that entered me into my daily usage.  And each of us would fuel the others' usage.  "Ready for a bump?"  "Another somethin-somethin??"

I cringe at the thought of using these unsuspecting clients' bathrooms.  They had no clue.  I always maintained the social etiquette with all our clientele.  I have always had a natural charm - I say that without an attempt at boasting - but I usually do quite well with first impressions.  Clean - or when I was high.  I just hate thinking that even though I was doing this beautiful work for them -- or the grunge work of getting rid of wallpaper that they'd hated for years -- I'd be slipping into the bathroom, crunching  and lining up our next boot, then smiling and acting the role after.  Horrid.