Feelings

Those first few weeks finding and attending new AA meetings were filled with an array of feelings. Writing became my coping skill in dealing with the rush of emotion I'd encounter. I had a very hard time sleeping, so I'd be up first thing, jotting away.

I remember feeling frustration and anger with the meeting schedules. Both Sherry and Fleet told me to focus on AA groups - not NA - because they weren't sure of the "quality" of NA. True or not, I don't have any idea. At that point in my recovery, and probably still, I just did what I was told! However, after a bit of google research, I became ticked after reading that the largest statistical group of people starting use of meth right now were middle to upper class housewives! I agreed to attend 3 WOMEN'S meetings a week (Fleet was afraid I'd be hit on.) Just how many meetings, do you think, were held *during the day* when housewives were most available? Less than 1%!! Not many choices for women unless you could go to meetings right at the busiest time of day - dinner! I knew they are catering to the multitude - most women today had joined the workforce - but do your research, guys! Those frustrated, bored domestic slaves were having trouble - lots of it! We needed to cater a bit to them, too!

I was also quite frustrated with the inability not to have cross talk. To have a back and forth discussion of support. At AA meetings, people laid their problem out there given their time to speak (if you were able to jump in), the feelings sometimes hanging raw in the void over the middle of the table.....and then the next person had a chance to say their two cents without regard for the prior speaker. It felt foreign and lacking in compassion to me.

I've since realized that it teaches us (many things), but one being the ability to listen. So often in conversation, we blurt out our first thoughts, interupting the person talking - possibly taking that speaker off course. Normal conversation often keeps the listener focused on what he's going to respond, rather than just listening without any stress to offer anything in return. Rather than allowing a multitude of irrevelant, though well-meant, solutions by the various attendees, limiting cross-talk causes the solution to arise from our Higher Power - who I now firmly trust as the God Within all of us.

But at that time...I have to admit, it was hard to get used to. Revealing...that.

I had found one female group close by that was attended by a handful of older women having decades of recovery behind them. I remember gravitating towards the younger women, however, I can easily look back now and see the older as these wise mom-like souls. Mothers that I needed in my life at that time. Loving, forgiving (we've all been there) but tough. There was talk about co-dependency issues, which of course were well known to me at the time. They strongly discouraged attending AlAnon, though, saying that I didn't need to mix meetings and confuse the issue. I remember feeling an ominous foreshadowing upon meeting one younger woman attending who was there after several relapses. She was an alcoholic with a cocaine addiction as well who was now in fear of the impending loss of her family and children. I mentioned after the meeting (no cross talk!) that I'd not had any negative consequences (from family, work, the legal system) with alcohol or drug use. Her response, "There's still time! I've been where you are." That shook me up. She also warned me of what I'd heard before. Every relapse she'd had, no matter how much time inbetween, it took her back to the stage in addiction as though she'd never quit. I knew that I was holding on to the hope that my sober lifestyle would not have to be forever. But there was definitely fear in that statement of hope. And I knew that Jim was in full support of my AA actions now, but did not feel that sobriety forever would be necessary for me. There was comfort in that, knowing that he wouldn't be judgemental were I to decide to drink again 4-6-12 months down the line. But there was also a justified fear planted within that I might step right back into abusing alcohol, which could lead to hiding, isolation and drug use.

There were also intense feelings of self-love and gratitude during that time. I remember thinking to myself that I'd never had any idea how to "take care of myself" before. People, in hearing that you were struggling over something, might mention, "Pamper yourself. Do something good for you today." What the HELL did that mean? Go shopping?! That never did an ounce of good for me. Get a massage? A bandaid! Take a bath? Read a book? What???! What did one do to take care of oneself??!! Never before in my life was I spending so much time thinking only of ME. Here I was going to three meetings a week, meeting with my counselor on another of those days, our couples counselor on another, spending hours journaling, reading, without much concern for housework, errands, making dinners. I felt so self-serving. Almost narcissist? The kids were loved and cared for, but I was consumed with everything recovery. Never before since I'd first given birth to my kids was I so immersed in what I was doing. Every thought, from the moment I woke til the moment my eyes drifted off in sleep, were filled with recovery....and I'd never felt so self-loved. That *this* was what taking care of me meant. Putting aside everything else in the world for what I most needed to do. Fleet and Sherry had debated on putting me into inpatient treatment, as that was what was recommended from the evaluation, but they were reluctant with the local choices. Neither of them had very high opinions of them. Given our financial status, going to more successful programs like Hazelton or Sober Living By the Sea, was a possibility -- but I imagine they were grasping onto the hope that I was an eager newbie. And that I was. Each morning my only thought was, "What do I most need to do for ME on this day? What is the next best step?"

Indeed, that should still be *all* of our questions each day. Lord, point me in the direction I need to go today. What is best for ME today. Let me hear your voice. Then help me to DO it.

I'll end this note today on an epiphany that I had at that time that still brings tears to my eyes. I love listening to Selah (or even Josh Groban, but he glosses over the God-part) sing the song, "You Raise Me Up". The Lord's unconditional love always brings me to tears. Not only because it's an acknowledgement of His constant presence in my life despite my resistance and fear of completely "letting His will be done" - but also because I feel in His view that I am a very special person despite all my weaknesses, big and small. "I am strong when I am on your shoulders". On your shoulders - not at His side....not walking hand in hand...not even allowing me to walk as the lead - but on His SHOULDERS is reminiscent of that child being lifted high on his parent's shoulders, feeling on top of the world, able to conquer all, fly free, feeling so special and loved by the support beneath him, and knowing in return, as a parent myself, that He felt so fully proud of me- no matter my weaknesses and mistakes.

That song enabled me to put myself within it, flying high over God's shoulders, seeing myself more clearly through His eyes, so that I was able to write to my counselors:

"I am beginning to forgive myself for being flawed - for not being all that I had tried to be but knew that I was forever falling short of. So I'm not as intelligent as my husband, not as thin and beautiful as those gorgeous people in the media (and around me), not as organized and successful as those type A people in my life that I admire so much, not as verbally eloquent as I'd like to be, much more forgetful than many, and more like Mom's unpleasant side than I'd like to admit! However, I've disregarded and minimalized so many of the truly wonderful and special things that I am - how much of a gift THAT is - in and of itself - without my DOing a thing for another that makes me worthy and special. Even going so far to say that even the qualities that I say I don't have....I have more than I give myself credit for. I've realized that much of my use was seated in a feeling that I'm somehow lacking, that I don't quite measure up, that I might disappoint someone. It's through that acknowledgement and acceptance of being flawed, as well as the praising of all that I really AM that's not only been a worthy gift to myself, but worth mounds to others that I can share that with."