Shiver

When I look back at that blog, I realize how far I've come.  I really had no idea how unhappy I was, how much I lived my life for everyone else, how inadequate and unworthy I felt for the life I was living.  And maybe most importantly, though I attended church on regular basis and was active within that framework, how little my belief system supported or guided me on a daily basis.

I mean, it wasn't supposed to be a big deal.  My housekeeper, Mary, who later became my "friend" (AKA supplier) and I were joining a group of girls on a weekend trip to Chicago for my 40th birthday.  I'd used cocaine in college; it never became out of control.  Though, I do realize now that I was a student - translated...I had little cash.  Which was a blessing.   20 yrs later, and married to a doc, I had more freedom to spend where I wanted (though I rarely spent much on myself).  So, why not?  A girl's weekend away from home.  I deserved a little 'wicked' time.  I mean, I'd never do that kind of thing here around the family.

On the day we were supposed to drive up, we waited all day for the connection.  Hours and hours.  We should have been there by dinner, the latest.  And we'd still not started off.  After I'd anticipated the idea of doing this for the first time in years, I wasn't going to leave without it.  Mary kept suggesting that she could get crystal, but I told her I wasn't into smoking anything.  Apparently, she said, cocaine wasn't as easy to find in the midwest....but crystal was everywhere.  "It's the same thing."  We could get that and be on our way.

After being reassured that we could sniff it just like coke, we were on our way -- and given a "freebee" to make sure we liked what we were getting.

Wow.
Immediate.
Un.fucking.believable.
Every tree had individual leaves of the most amazing color.  And life was....beautiful.  I was in love with it.  Everyone in it.  And I was....perfect.  Pure joy.

Paid up and on our way.

And what an amazing trip it was, stopping now and again for a bump.  The best drive.  Ever.  The most stimulating conversations.  Full of laughter and tears and revelations.  I was almost disappointed to arrive in Chicago several hours later - even though it was practically midnight.  A full 6 hours later than we'd anticipated arriving.

We stayed up talking to the friends we were meeting in their room - until they grew tired and begged off to go to sleep.

Mary and I looked at each other in disbelief - there's no way we were going to waste that good buzz by going to sleep.  We talked in our own room til late in the night.  Tried sleeping...but forget it.

The best revelation in the morning was that food tasted like cardboard and looked completely unappetizing.  What a great way to lose that last 10-15 lbs. if it made food look and taste terrible!

But ugh, we both felt like we'd been run over by a Mac truck.  Impossible to "act normal", be sociable, and then do a repeat social engagement that night.  We tried for several hours that afternoon to catch at least an hour or two of sleep.  I remember lying there, right at the brink of dropping off - I could feel it within reach.  See it.

But no.  No sleep available for either of us.  Solution?
Another bump.
BINGO.
Ready for another fun night!