I can't over emphasize how fearful I was during this time of gaining my weight back. I was hovering around 140 lbs - a full 10 lbs heavier than I was at my "meth weight". Though no one, as I said, would have called me over weight before I'd started using, I was no skinny minny (as a friend once told me - as a compliment!) The meth made me the skinny minny I so desired. I could wear the smallest string bikini and feel confident like I'd not done since shedding mega-pounds with breastfeeding. I'd bought a tiny crocheted olive bikini in Florida while I was still using, my daughter commenting, "You look like a Super Mom in that!" I FELT like a Super Mom in that, knowing full well that men took notice of me at the beach/pool. The power I felt in that headiness. Yea, girl....you still got it!
That was quickly going, however. I could see the pounds inch on daily. I'd work out. I took Diet Pills (until Jim told Fleet on me). I ate small portions.
My metabolism wasn't working like a rat on a spinning wheel anymore, though. I was losing the battle.....quick.
I was petrified.
Why, Lauren? What's behind that feeling? You're at a normal weight. You're healthy. Your meth weight made you haggard looking. Your body's probably not built to carry that little of weight anymore. What is behind the need to be ultra-skinny or more, to be attractive? Maybe you need to delve into that a little bit more, Sherry suggested.
Okay. How very superficial this all is, but let's get to the nitty-gritty:
Physical attractiveness has been shown in studies to sway the viewer to think more positive things about the subject than would normally be given if the subject were just plain or fat. When I was younger, I noticed this; I was always thin, but I was rather a "plain" child until approximately 14-15 years old. And at THAT time, I started getting what I wanted socially. I had lots of friends, usually landed the boyfriend I wanted within time. In my adult life - especially since I'd quit work and had little source for self esteem in my stay-at-home position, it was important to me to maintain a good outer physical image, because in my mind, people were automatically more accepting or appreciative and find WORTH in me without my needing to open my mouth! I was someone they'd like to get to know. Surely, I didn't really feel worth getting to know because I wasn't doing anything important or interesting. I've never been accomplished at anything. So that initial acceptance and desire for someone to like me on appearance put me one step ahead of the game. I thought beauty/thinness made me fit the part of "put together" when in judgement by others. Then, when they might get to know me more fully, though I still didn't feel I pulled my weight in accomplishments, intelligence, wit/humor, I knew I had enough of all so that people might say, "Wow...she's not just a pretty face."
I thought that being overweight or "ugly" caused a person to lose that edge up. The foot in the door. The "handicap". And writing that pisses me off, because I do feel I have so many other personal qualities that don't require me to need a "head start" so to speak. Thinking, "of course people will like me - I'm a very likable person!" But I think I enjoy the "easy" part - the automatic - and maybe have depended on that ability to "cheat" fate a bit. That I would be given a little extra favor or chance because I was first noticed and look good. I've since understood that I'm an introvert (though I've tried hard to overcome that and become the more acceptable/likable extravert) so initial social interactions - especially in groups - are intimidating and stress inducing for me. I think beauty gave me a tool that I could use to combat that initial discomfort. I'd be more automatically accepted, or better still, people might come to *me* rather than being unnoticed, feeling like a zero and needing to seek others out.
On more of a male/female level, however, I enjoy feeling that I might be desirable to the opposite sex. I like to feel noticed by men - maybe moreso as an adult because it's more unique and a challenge to remain fit and look good as we age. To hear - wow, she's 40+ and look how good she still looks! What a body! I'm intensely jealous of that when I hear it being said by men. I'm competitive - it's not okay to hear, "Your body is fine; you're not overweight." I want to be the WOW - she looks GREAT. I want to be able to still turn a head despite being 40/50. I want to be the Cougar. It makes me feel powerful, "accomplished", even if just succeeding with battling age.
I mean really, is it "good enough" to just be "good enough"? Or just fine to just BE fine? My weight, my appearance.....no. Not really. It hasn't been.
Maybe in part because I didn't often hear the "Wow! You're gorgeous!" from my husband, knowing that his perfect body type was way leanner than my own. Even so, I'm not sure I'd have believed him anyway. Your husband is supposed to think you're hot.
(Still nice to hear.)
It's even better to have that affirmation from outside your marriage. What a power trip. I could *still* conquer the conquest!
When I'm even a little overweight, I *feel* dumpy, not as smart, more disorganized, not "put together" and unnoticed. Passed over and not as worthy of getting to know.
My old tapes from my family - especially my dad - suggest that you are truly VALUABLE if you're good looking AND smart/funny, etc. People in the dating scene would judge themselves and others accordingly - you wouldn't even *think* of approaching someone with a lot of physical beauty unless you felt equally so or on their level. But once achieving the welcome sign - they were even more special if the person was actually SMART too! But let's face it, guys, our society truly values beauty in women and affluency in men. (Befitting the statement that beauty is valuable.) That's why docs and sports heroes always landed the hotties! Truly, if you saw an affluent man with a dog, or a gorgeous model with a "loser"...we question. Wonder why they don't fit the stereotype. That dog must be good in bed. We don't have an answer for the model with the loser.
Maybe she's enlightened.
I had noticed that I often wore the "costume for impressing". Social armor! Whenever I'd go out, it was important for me to give that good impression - look "good", "put together". By putting on that costume/dress, it made ME feel that way. Put together. Smart. Accomplished.
So, yes, I was petrified of letting myself get overweight - really overweight - because I could anticipate people's disgust and pity. And judgements from others about my willpower, stamina, etc. And become unnoticed. Unworthy. Unaffirmed.
Not valuable anymore to my husband. No longer worthy of being his "trophy wife" (though I'd cringe at the label, it was flattering to think that I might fit the definition). Deep down, maybe I feared that Jim would leave me. I hadn't felt I'd been a "good wife" to Jim in a long time. I'd held resentments, not confided in him, sex was infrequent....if I allowed myself to get overweight too, there'd be more reason to look elsewhere.
So, yes....I was petrified.
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I've just returned from a Women's Spirituality group and I can see, thinking back on this, how much I"m anxiously hanging onto society's expectation of women today. That we all have these unnatural "Barbie doll" bodies. I'm filled with angst trying to achieve that kind of "perfection" that doesn't come easily to 95% of women. We're just not typically built like that - a woman is naturally curvy, voluptuous. I've got that in spades. Rounded hips, full thighs, ripe breasts, a curved belly. We're soft - not these hardened angles that fill our tv and movie screens or magazine covers. This isn't a new idea - for years now, I hear this affirmation to women espoused across Oprah or women's journals. Yet I don't know one person, one woman, who is absolutely satisfied with their shape.
Oh Lord! To strive to *merely* be healthy - to treat our bodies as a sanctuary, a gift from YOU, to live in YOUR image - the Goddess, full of your ripe roundness - and be HAPPY!!
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