Step One

I could fully accept that I was powerless over alcohol at that time in my life. When I got truly honest with myself, I could clearly see that I was currently working within the "allowable" constraints of my drinking. I'd always had a glass of wine with dinner - so I was doing that, maybe two, however I was "white-knuckling" that amount. If left to my own devices, I'd surely have a couple more. Further, I was absolutely pissed that anyone would suggest that I have a problem with IT, the one drug I'd used in my life - openly - with NO ONE taking an issue with it or having any concerns. I initially was so pissed to be so "unfortunate" to be willing to seek answers/understanding of my drug use - and then "punished" - that I was targetted to give up something that's never been an issue. I could see SO many other people in my life that had JUST as many issues with alcohol or WORSE and they were still "allowed" to be walking around oblivious! THEY have the problem, NOT me. And just because I was so willing to seek understanding - they're taking my one allowable drug away!

I truly believe that it was only through an act of God that helped me to see how telling my anger and resistance was. As Jim had said, if it's not a problem, give it up. It may be detrimental in recovering from meth. I think my response was shocking to him, realizing ahead of me that the alcohol might be an issue. Or become a serious issue if we continued to ignore that "allowable" amount. I had just substituted the drugs with alcohol at that point. God most certainly did what I couldn't do for myself at the time.

Understanding that has helped me look especially at my smoking - that it's clearly because of addiction issues that I've been unable to quit forever. I'd quit after being pregnant with both children, but started back again after both. I'd had several years after Mariah was born, starting off slowly, using only when I'd go out for a drink with the girls. But it picked up. I was smoking a couple packs a week and hiding it from the kids and most of my social circle. I wanted to use the program to work on *that* addiction when I was through with the first go round of the 12 steps for alcohol.

I talked with Jim one evening at this time about his comment about how STUPID it was to risk taking meth that first time - knowing how much I enjoyed coke in college. I had tried to help him understand my point of view at the time. Given my memory of how much I loved coke in college, I knew I'd never let myself use on a daily basis here in town around the family. I had thought that distance would make the decrease the risk. But given it's potency and our inability to finish what we bought -- AND not wanting to waste, heaven forbid -- I'd broken that promise to myself.

Later, I had a revelation in how that same scenario could be repeated with alcohol in the future. My 3 month challenge was up in February of '06. Jim and I were taking an adult-only trip with friends on a ski trip. This was a time I could see myself being free of the 3 month challenge where I'd be tempted to test the waters, so to speak. I'd be away, Jim most likely wouldn't raise an eyebrow. Would I then spiral into a pattern of breaking my promises to myself, crossing boundaries when I returned home? Would I again start white-knuckling the bottle or worse, start hiding my usage? I'd never done that before with alcohol, but is that because the disease hadn't progressed that far yet? It was scary to think about. I knew I had a lot of work to do before I got to that time.