Agreement

Within the following week, I decided to give up alcohol.

Equally as much of a shock, my husband agreed to go into counseling.

It was partially that first visit with our counselor that pushed me the final mile of making the decision to give it up.  I'd found this counselor, Fleet; male, a family counselor in the 12 step network, through Sherry, the drug/alcohol counselor that gave me the evaluation.  I'd since dropped the doc, as well, given my focus now on substance abuse (what I'd told him) and my strong emotional connection to Sherry (what I felt in my heart).

Fleet shared with the two of us the outcome of that evaluation.  Moderate to Severe.  Recommended inpatient treatment. I told him how frustrated I was with the parameters of the test - that most of the answers would be a "no" if I answered specifically about drinking.  My husband, sitting at the far end of the couch from me, supported me somewhat in saying that as long as he'd known me I'd had a glass of wine with dinner - and that was it.  But as well, he was shocked in my attitude.  I felt as though he looked at me like a child through a parent's disapproving eyes.  "If it's not an issue to you, why not just give it up and show them it's really not.  What's the big deal?"

We'd listened to a great CD by Dr. Kevin McCauley (www.addictiondoctor.com) who is one of the leading doctors in the nation that is scientifically affirming the debate that addiction is a disease.  Dr.  McCauley's lecture, "The Disease Model of Addiction" stated that scientific studies showed that upon using a drug, recordable change occurred in the midbrain, the subconscious (without *conscience*) part of the brain.  With abuse, your ability to experience pleasure or joy was greatly decreased, causing the addict to use more often and frequently, without regard to their moral principles.  Following that framework, my husband argued, it would make sense that giving up the substance for a period of time could return that "pleasure center" to a normal state for the person that was not an alcoholic.  Jim argued that were I to give up alcohol for a period of time, that it was quite likely that I could drink again in the future if I, in fact, were not an alcoholic.

Fleet agreed it was possible.  He wasn't a doctor.  I think he was just anxious to have me quit.

I felt like a child.  Small.  The bad person.  I'd put myself in the hands of the professionals, open, honest and willing.  And they sat there, Fleet and my husband, with expectation in their eyes asking me to give up my last crutch.  I was still feeling highly emotional, uncovering more about myself on a daily basis, and they looked at me....expectant....disapproving of anything but *their* solution, waiting for me to make the obvious decision.

So there it was.... a challenge of sorts held out to me.  If it's not a problem, give it up.

In that instant, I understood.  I was incredibly scared about that option because I could acknowledge in that moment that it was a problem.  I could see how much I was white knuckling that alcohol bottle, depending on it, using it strongly because of all the emotional upheaval I was feeling.  Aha moment right there in Fleet's office, sitting on his couch with those expectant eyes waiting on me.

*Progressive doesn't mean you progress to the point of being the stereotypical drunk, homeless person under the bridge with a filled, wrinkled paper bag.  It means that your dependency on some kind of chemical becomes stronger so that if it's not available, you'll just switch chemicals to have some kind of relief or satisfaction.

I got it.

And I hated it.  It was almost if, I thought, that in that decision in April of '04 on that girl's weekend to use meth, I'd forever give up alcohol.  I wish I could have foreseen the future.  I wish, I wish...

But it was obvious to me that I needed to stop drinking.  Stop using any substances that helped my brain continue a connection of substance = relief.

And I wanted to learn as much as I could about alcoholism and substance abuse so that I could wield myself with knowledge - not only for myself but for my kids as well.  Quickly leaving the tween stage, my soon-to-be teens needed me to be beefed up with any knowledge I could get my hands on about alcoholism.  Make them aware of the dangers ahead for themselves if this were genetic in our family.  Besides my grandfather, I was still not willing (and still hold out judgement) to label anyone else in the family- including myself - an alcoholic. But knowledge was power.

I'm willing.  I will, I'd answered those expectant eyes.

What are you willing to do, Fleet asked.

Stop drinking for at least a period of three months.  Attend 3 meetings a week, continue couple's counseling with you once a week, and individual therapy with Sherry.

Deal.

In for a penny, in for a pound.   Here we go.