And realized that, damn it, the doc was probably right.
I'd been in therapy for probably about 4-6 weeks before I'd started becoming frustrated with him. I was understanding so much about myself, and yet he always just sat there like a bump on a log.
"Uh-huh." "Okay."
"I'm wondering why I'm not getting more affirmation from you, " I said at the end of one of our sessions.
"Just what exactly is it that you'd like me to affirm?" he said with his dead, flatline mouth.
How much I'm uncovering! My insight! My willingness to look within!
"I think you're incredibly in denial. I'd be more willing to affirm you if you got rid of Mary, stopped drinking, and told your husband."
.........
.........
.........
WHAT THE FUCK?! Look at all I'm doing! He felt to me like a disapproving parent. He said he was worried about me. A ticking time bomb. He thought it was dangerous that I was still drinking while going through such an emotional time in my life when I'd already told him that I'd used alcohol and drugs to escape pain in the past. He wanted me to see my brother and mom as alcoholics and how I was living the same patterns of behavior - not only damaging myself, but in turn, setting my children up to see the use of alcohol as an acceptable mode for comfort. And that Mary was keeping me within my co-dependent thinking, and waiting in the sidelines with the "comfort" supply. He wasn't a drug/alcohol counselor - he wanted me to visit one to figure out if I was in as much trouble as he thought I might be.
Okay. In for a penny, in for a pound. Let's go.
But first, Mary. I decided to write to her. I wanted her to be able to fall back on my written word after she got over hearing that I wasn't going to be there for her anymore. I knew she'd be shocked. Devastated. And I didn't want her to have to trust her memory about what I really said.
In part, I wrote, "As painful as I know this will be to hear, I need to make a complete break from you. I can't be your friend and I can't be your employer. After you receive this letter, I would appreciate it if you'd respect my wishes and not contact me or my family in the future. I've struggled wih our friendship since quitting, knowing how much I caretake of you/worry about you/want to help you, and realizing within my life that this is a harmful issue with me. It's been so hard for me to think about you not being a part of my life - not only because I *like* you - but because I've been so overly concerned about what my not being an emotional support might do to you in your life. I worry about how alone, how overwhelmed you feel. Even knowing or beginning to understand my own co-dependencies and how much it affected my relationship with you in trying to be there for you/shoulder your trials/pain, I kept on because I knew that you needed me. But when I realized that you don't have the strength or motivation right now to quit as I do, nor the motivation or concern for my own sobriety, I understood clearly that it was important to let you go....no matter the consequences to you. Even if I only kept you as an employee, your lifelong attachment to (your supplier - a family member) is a temptation I can't risk.
....if you care about me and my life at all, please think about me and respect my wishes by not contacting me. This has been a very painful decision - but one that was crucial for me in my recovery and health. I'd urge you to think about yours, and not push that boundary."
(Aside: an update on Mary - she did fairly well in respecting my boundaries. I've only heard from her a handful of times through text messages. She left town for awhile to live with her "previously" cocaine addicted brother in CA, leaving behind her two children and the puppy I helped her to buy with her parents. She's since returned, working a couple different jobs, but neither cleaning or painting. She swears she's always been clean. I've not talked with her or seen her in person since this letter.)
Thankfully, immediately following this, our small group had planned on going to our lake house for a "church lady retreat". A "CLR" as they've come to be known: we started taking them annually and for one night only, but now it's increased to bi-annually and two nights.
The church ladies. Tongue-in-cheek because we most certainly are NOT. Imagine to yourself the "church ladies" of old. The blue hairs of the church, standing behind the luncheon line, casserole bearing, Bible weilding, tongue wagging, shaking their fingers at all those sinners. Ready to save the world with their Bible in tow.
What we were, however, was a small group of nine women that gathered together - some reluctantly at first, but dutifully - to study various religious group workbooks that are widely available now. What started off slowly in study became something more magical and unexplainable in our hearts. We found that we were able to question and ponder and doubt, but moreso, we had learned to trust each other enough to learn that we were all broken souls. That we could laugh, cry and lift each other up in His spirit. No judgement. But holding each other accountable, encouraging one another to live in His image. Simple....but indescribable in its power within all of our hearts.
Maybe through Divine intervention, but it turned out that just three of us could go. Me, Dana, and my good friend, Louise. Dana already knew. And Louise and I- we'd been friends long before small group. We shared alto voices, a laugh during choir practices, and seemingly a love of the Lord, but as well, a reluctance to fully let go into a full Christian spirit.
My husband and I had been blessed to find and acquire this little slice of heaven. It was a 3 bedroom home on 5 acres. We refinished the basement, adding another guestroom and living area, and purchased another 10 acres of wooded and meadowed land for 4-wheeling, hiking, and (intended) paintball wars. My parents also left us with the canoe that I'd practically been born and raised in. Along with the skiboat and a couple waverunners, we also purchased a couple of kayaks. So...it's a resort just a short hour and a half away from home that allows both of us to get away from it all. Or share with friends.
I can remember the drive because I was scared shitless to tell Louise. She sat behind me, Dana sitting in the passenger seat as support. I was ashamed of myself because I'd been lying to her. I'd told her that I'd lost all my weight through The South Beach Diet. Sure, it'd started that way, but add meth to the DIEt plan and I'd stepped into an accelerated program to wipe away the pounds. I'd never really needed to lose that much - most people having more serious weight issues wouldn't have called me over-weight or even chubby. I'd just had that middle aged "puffiness".....and a lifelong inaccurate self image about my weight.
So, I can remember my spilling it all out in a bluster of words. Scared of her reaction. Glad I was sitting in front of her and was unable to see her reaction. I was fearful of her hurt that I'd told Dana and not her first. And moreso, that I was a liar AND street scum.
Her reaction? "I'm really glad it was that and not The South Beach Diet."
WHAT?! Are you kidding me?
"I'm so glad because I kept trying that diet and working out like mad, and I just couldn't dump the weight.....all the while you were shrinking before my eyes."
I was afraid of looking like a loser and she was glad she wasn't a failure.
And that was it. No judgement. We spent the weekend laughing at ourselves, riding the waverunners, and talking about addiction. How her mother had issues with alcohol. Her anger and how she'd have to deal with the repercussions of it. And how she was teaching her kids about it so they knew what a danger it was to them as well.
On many CLR's, it's been a tradition for us to write each one, sharing what their affect on us has been, what a blessing they have been in our lives. I share, in part, what these two angels wrote to me that weekend, because it was the culmination of what became a weekend filled with strength, encouraging me to move forward and do what I truly needed in order to become emotionally and spiritually whole.
First, tell my husband...then get into alcohol/drug rehab.
Their letters to me:
(from Louise)
"I don't make friends easily and I'm not good at keeping them. Not sure if part of it is the friends I made were not right for me...? Anyway, you are a big part of why I stayed in choir. When you joined, you were the epitomy of everything I wanted in my life. A wonderful caring friend, mother and wife. Your sense of humor has gotten me through many a rough night when I used choir as escape from the problems in my life. Your ability to find resolutions to problems and your strength of will power was all I inspired to have. You've been my role model, and that has not changed, nor will it ever no matter what happens in the future. When you asked me to join a small group, I was scared...... You've taught me that it's ok to question God's purpose, and helped me understand it's ok to have problems. I admire your strength and resolve to make your life in a way that is best for you and your family and God. Your friendship means more to me than you'll ever realize, and I hope you know I'm always here for you, I as I know you'll be there for me. I truly believe that God brought us together, first using our passion for music, then slowly inching us together by resolving problems. Putting us together in times of trouble to get to know each other and finally to be able to love and trust each other. Small group has come to mean so much more to me than just "Bible" study. You have such a strength in you that you haven't seen in yourself, and in the last few weeks I think you started seeing it yourself. Your ability to be a caring person is a wonderful trait, and something I know God has instilled in you as one of your missions in service. I think you've started realizing this based on Boards and committees you've jointed, writing and questioning the "Gospels" or "thinking" of Jesus' time is something we've done often in small group and I often wonder if writing isn't another passion given to you? Music is one of your best "God given" abilities and I know this is one ministry God has chosen for you. I wonder if Stephen Ministry or Youth Ministry is where God wants you. I think you could be one of God's chosen people to bring others to Christ, through your own experiences. I love you lots - your strength and kindness show in all you do!"
(from Dana)
I am so proud of you! You have come to a point at which your choice could have easily been to keep going a different direction. I can't imagine my life without you in it. I am so thankful that God helped to bring you back to us - those who love you so much. You have displayed faith and courage well beyond anything you give yourself credit for. Just keep looking. Put yourself and your needs FIRST - especially before others who don't love themselves enough to survive on their own and thrive on pulling you to their level. You are a wonderful mother, wife, friend and have so much to offer. Thank you for your friendship which I cherish and am so blessed to have. I love you - our souls are one.
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